SLIVER

2011-02-07T00:57:00.007+05:30

Life is strange. It takes the most unexpected turn when you least expect it to and lands you up somewhere you had never thought you would go...it takes you there...and drops you in the ditch...leaving you to fend for yourself. And there you are , with not a clue of how you got there and before you know it , you are swimming against the tide for survival...

When the hurt and the rage inside subsides , when all that had to happen has happened , when you finally realize it is time to hang your shoes because there is no way you can fight any more...there comes a time when it dawns on you that you are in this alone...that no matter what happens , no one is going to fight your battles. that whether you are going to sink or swim is nobody's business but your own.that whatever is happening to you will change you whether or not you like it.

And in that moment , you finally let go of your guard and stop pretending that you are fine.

That , i concede to be my greatest achievement in the past few days. And my most liberating moment.

Things have been rough for some time now. I have lost friends , been accused of being a million things by the people closest to me , been bitched about at odd hours in a shady bar on the Bombay Pune highway, gone from being best friends to being strangers in the same room , have fought , reconciled and fought again.

That is a snapshot of my life in lately.

Scary , confusing , hurtful and a constant dull ache inside...

2010-10-27T00:21:00.002+05:30

Today i am going to be quiet

Not because I have said enough , but because I dont know what to say anymore

Today you are going to listen

Not because you think its worth listening to , but because you would rather have me talk than you think

2010-07-14T02:48:00.003+05:30

A random order destroyed

An old comfort snatched away

A tussle between the good and the bad

A fire that couldn't be kept at bay

In a melee of these events

An askew life takes shape

Filling up the spaces

That got eroded yesterday

And the new is recreated

In the backdrop of the old

But flippant fate a reminder yet again

That what is might not quite be.

2010-07-14T02:35:00.001+05:30

Peace isn’t a permanent state, it exists in moments - fleeting - gone before we even knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in the strangest act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus, or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace - the trick is to know when they’re happening so we can embrace them, live in them - and finally, let them go.

Grey's Anatomy S06

2010-05-18T23:25:00.003+05:30

This is not who i want to be...
The constant thinking, the over analyzing, the worst case scenario building, the chronic dissatisfaction...

If you look at my life right now, there is absolutely no reason why I should be going through this. Things are working for me...more or less. I have managed to come out of the whirlpool that my life was at this very moment, about a year and a half back…something that I had never thought was possible at that time. I have this fantastic bunch of friends , am one year into my Masters program and haven’t done too bad at that , am interning with a fantastic organization, living at home with my parents for these two months...every damn thing I can think of is working for me right now…Well, almost.

And yet, there is this constant dissatisfaction, the eerie feeling that things arent right.The perpetual worry about me not performing well enough in my summers’, of not being good enough, the constant fight to outdo myself , the nerve wracking conversations that I have with myself…the doubt.

There is a smile on the outside. The smile of a self assured person. And the mannerisms of someone who knows what she is doing. And that’s the biggest irony…Because every time I put up that farce , there is a voice that speaks up..Who are you kidding dude…

And then it dawns on me that..
at the very moment that I am being this smart person on the outside…
inside…something is lost. something is dying.

2010-05-17T22:21:00.002+05:30

No. you dont matter. Not once more.Not any more.

I can do fine. Thank You.

2010-03-18T18:23:00.000+05:30

Its only when the ‘light’ fades away...
Do you realize its intensity
And the power it had
Over your being

And when the dust settles down eventually...
You find your new home
And then comes the revelation
That the ‘dark’ is the place you want to be in

But life is hardly lived at these two extreme ends...
More often than not
The pendulum swings in between
And that is where the pain lies
Of not knowing where you are

2010-03-02T22:06:00.005+05:30

So how much of progress have you exactly made if you have come to the same place as before? Whats with all the effort that you put in ? Did you lie to yourself when you were having a good time? Why are you going through all of this ? What is going to happen to the cherished dream ? the happy face ? the optimistic desire ?

What the hell is going on?

return

2009-09-10T01:47:00.002+05:30

Been more than 2 months since i last wrote on this blog...Sometimes, due to lack of inclination , sometimes , because of the sheer paucity of time coupled with the mindfullness of the course and the inability to retain others thoughts in the head. There have been uncountable times when i have had something pressing to write..to take it all out..to give a vent to my confusion ..but havent been able to ..because no words would form . It would all stay in the mind..nebulous, discrete...and all -pervading...
So it'll be three months here in Bombay soon. Three months of living a new life and adjusting to a new place and new people. Three months are not enough..Heck..sometimes even three years arent. More on this later.
Update for now - I am taking it , each day , one at a day...Breaking and Mending...
..and the cycle continues..

2009-07-06T23:24:00.000+05:30

Long you live and high you fly

And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry

And all you touch and all you see

Is all your life will ever be

Breathe by Pink Floyd

2009-03-11T00:52:00.001+05:30

i just wish i could plonk on my bed and stay put for the next 48 hours...i feel dead already !

2009-03-01T00:43:00.003+05:30

Life's been a whirlwind lately...
I am miles away from where i was when i wrote out my last post in here...Lots has changed..Actually , everything has ...Seems like that was another world ..the times to which i once belonged ..the times i ve left far behind.
I am chasing some wild dreams right now , some will run even further away , a few will oblige ...atleast one i should manage to catch !
Today' been an obnoxious day. A complete waste of 24 hours.An absolute speed breaker on an anyways wobbly highway. What a shame! Thank God for Sundays :)

The stupid things i did today -
- Woke up early
- Snapped at my friends - TWICE
- Fought with the person who means the world to me
- Did not cross even ONE of the 6 to-do's scheduled for today
- Did not study
- Dint have fun either

2008-11-14T00:16:00.003+05:30

My catharsis.
My dreamcatcher.

Welcome back!
Life's calling.

2008-11-11T16:42:00.001+05:30

Amidst apprehension and confusion,

Something tells me that things are going fine...

Life's going to be good...

2008-10-07T21:18:00.003+05:30

The power to 'think' and the ability to exercise 'discretion' are the most underestimated virtues , me thinks.
Sadly, this realization is dawning on me when i seem to have lost both !

The life and times of a social outcast - Part I

2008-10-03T23:38:00.004+05:30

In this life , my darling , there is no mercy...

If you are like them , you stifle yourself to death,.
If you are unlike them , they will make sure you stifle to death!

I am at a juncture in my life where i have come to the conclusion that i wasnt meant to be human. Not the kind who talks , hugs , laughs and hangs around in large groups , whose social circle is bigger than the size of his underwear.Who is one step away from taking his/her pals to the loo coz not doing that means spending entire 120 seconds without his/her 'friends for life' and that is surely nothing short of being blasphemic.

To my disdain and at times , my relief too ...I gasp for breath in crowds. I dont hug . I dont laugh on jokes that dont make me laugh and I dont talk unless and until i am in a jolly good mood to do so!

In strictly 'behavioural' terms , i am a social outcast. A sore thumb that sticks out and if thats not enough , i find the thumb growing everyday , sticking out even more starkly with every succeeding day.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this exceptional state that i am in - my upbringing , my surroundings , the people i have been with , the books i read bla bla.All of them have beautifully merged together to create the social outcast , aka Whetstone whose life is nothing less than a social tragedy!!!
So what it is that makes me “that” weird ? I have thought for quite a while before penning these down...
Firstly, the fact that I couldn’t care less about most of the people i know and the remaining i wish i'd never known. I seem to have developed a weird dislike towards people in general. Not that this problem is new, the seeds were sown in early childhood where i grew up as a single child to two 'silent' parents. At home, we talked when we had to, random mumbling was never our thing. Although that in no way meant we were dysfunctional or anything - i have grown up in some of the most healthy surroundings where love was abundant , where companionship meant mom- dad and me going for long drives on weekends , playing chess on others , and learning badminton with both on yet others. ‘Champak’ was the culprit in getting me addicted to the joys of reading...which anyways a serious affair was for both mum n dad. My grandfathers’ place was an even richer treasure of books .What with vintage RDs, books on freedom fighters, encyclopaedias galore. I still remember flicking through the pages of a Somerset Maugham , sitting in a relatively quiet corner of the drawing room while the entire family watched ‘Hum Aapke hain Kaun’ on a summer afternoon in 1995.

Single children are spoilt ...Maybe that’s true...Coz today i find it hard to compromise on anything that I stand for...to the point of being obsessive about it at times. I am dismissive by nature and if i don’t like a thing i don’t look around twice before saying it aloud. I also do not think that i need to share the intimate details of my life with everyone i hang out with. Companionship for me is best felt in moments of silence. I find it extremely hard to 'relate' to most people and striking up conversations with random people doesnt interest me much either.

I dont hang aroung in groups if i cant laugh at people’s jokes, if their jibes only make my jaw ache as i force out another smile and i see nothing wrong in being by myself.

More often than not , others dont interest me as much i interest myself. i can spend hours being with me , doing my own thing or heck, even doing nothing...and not getting bored. In fact , at times i prefer this to being amidst a melee of random incoherent people. I am the perfect company for me , and I take pride in the fact!

I would love to be ' left alone ' and this seems difficult for people to digest!

I pique people a lot. They think i am either off my mind or depressed enough so as to not make any sense. Some think i am a tragedy queen awaiting some sort of absolution. Well sir, i have tragedies , yes, but i aint no tragedy queen , quite on the contrary ,i revel in being smug.

That’s what its like , thats what i am.

If you cant make peace with this fact , you are absolutely free ( welcome , actually) to turn back. Dont expect me to nanny you and feed you your daily bottle of milk coz i am your friend , i wont do that and please do not do that to me in return either. At times , i like to be left alone , if the concept sounds alien to you , i'd be more than happy to make way for you to leave.
If i am doing my own thing , i expect it out of a fellow human being to give me the freedom enough to do my own thing without having it dissected like a poor murdered cockroach. Dont expect me to hug you for no reason , it gives me no pleasure and so i wont do it. Think i am cold ? live with it , or dont ...either ways i dont care!
I'll be to you as you have been to me ...get that clear and straight. I have my own set of ' rights' and 'wrongs' and i stand by them strongly, i don’t care if you do/ don’t . I usually won’t trade my rights/wrongs with you unless and until you give me a damn good reason to. Sometimes, even after you’ve given me a damn good reason, i wont trade still ! I admire those who can keep quiet when they have nothing to say and despise those who keep on saying nothings simply because they can’t keep quiet!

So, that’s what it is and life aint easy! Most of the people i know are incongruous with my philosophy. Some have trashed it down implicitly, while others have shown utter disregard for it , explicitly.
I have even tried being congruous to the ‘love one – love all’ school of thought which by the way is in direct conflict with mine and have failed at it as miserably as Himesh Reshammiya has failed at acting ( or has he!)

Like i said, in this life , there is no mercy . I will stifle to death anyways!

Now that i have vented out the travails of my socially tragic life, I feel quite good!
Maybe i'll celebrate it by not talking to people tomorrow!
Aaah...What bliss!
:D :D

2008-09-23T00:39:00.003+05:30

..After 8 hours of frantic search over the world wide web for a new jazzy template, this is what i've settled with , finally.

2008-08-08T21:58:00.002+05:30

I love it..when i can fix myself up!

2008-07-12T22:28:00.003+05:30

Getting drenched in the rain! Undoubtedly, the cheapest way to buy euphoria !! :D

2008-07-05T19:35:00.001+05:30

...And the real fun begins when you fall into a pit full of mud and muck and are left unattended to, so much so that by the time someone comes and hands over a hand to rescue you, you refuse to be pulled up because by then the mud and muck has already become your natural habitat!

Let Go

2008-06-26T02:20:00.005+05:30

Sometimes
The chase continues
Long after the race has ended

Let go...

..Is in my opinion one of the most profoundly misused phrases of our times. Pedantic and unnecessarily preachy.

We thrust it down the throats of people as a magic remedy that'll cure them of their emotional/psychological ills - the kinds that wake people up at 3 am on a harmless Wednesday night.

While there's no doubt in the fact that the thought behind 'Let Go' is definitely arresting , the entire concept is a bit of a paradox in itself.

Letting go is a means of absolution for most of us - like diving into holy waters to cleanse our putrefied souls. Its a lawful means of getting rid of the unexceptionally heavy mental baggage most of us are carrying around at any point in time.

But to think of it, what's the big deal about Letting Go? What makes me better off 'Letting Go' of something than allowing it to 'Stick up my back' and overwhelm me with its burden.

I would rather hold onto something and beat the life out of it till i can beat no more than give it away at the drop of a hat. What's the fun in it then ? Why would you rather shun experiences than anchor them to yourself , tie yourself around them and get consumed by them?

For most of us, the chase continues long after the race has ended.

For some of us , the real thrill lies in the chase itself

As for me, i wouldnt have it any other way

Pain is pleasure after all, isnt it?

Died

2008-05-15T23:16:00.004+05:30

In the flash of a moment , she comes swirling around from nowhere. She's youthful , young and full of life . Her presence intoxicates the air , her laughter fuels my wanton soul. I dig deeper into her...every minute, every passing breath , till she envelops me in her comforting embrace.

Such is her charm that i start breathing her before she knows. If sin is pleasure , i sail in its vast oceans. I ride her crests and troughs.By then , she's me and I'm her.

And it is then , that she reveals her true colors. She's not the balm, i realize , she is the very sting i thought she would nurse. Her hidden weapons , her calculated moves catch me unawares everytime. Her presence reeks of the smell of deceit. She's savage, like the wild fire , destroying what she had herself created once.

That is how she goes for the kill . An unexpected moment , a sudden stab , a gaping wound and throbbing pain that lasts forever.

That is how i die a slow death.
Each time , every time.

2008-05-12T18:24:00.002+05:30

We'll invent colors
To paint our dry souls with

We'll splash
Into pools of blissful ignorance

We'll make music
From dead leaves and broken chords

We'll tap dance
On this world's sanity

We'll ropewalk
The thin line between good and bad

We'll learn
The best way there is to unlearn

We'll laugh away
The things we couldnt cry for

For once
We'll have our cake
..and eat it too!

2008-05-07T01:13:00.003+05:30

Brazen truths
Of a make believe world

Are like a mirage
In the sweltering desert

Alleviating the want
And aggravating it at the same time

2008-04-20T18:34:00.002+05:30

Break out
Breathe
Let go

(Im)Perfect

2008-04-10T19:02:00.006+05:30

In that perfect moment
She danced to his tunes
And dreamed his distant dreams

The setting sun blazed in her eyes
And her smile gave away secrets untold
Her face glowed with anticipation as he spoke

“Hey I’m sorry sweetheart; I won’t be here long, the anniversary’s here and I have to take her out shopping today”

In their troubled world
Clinging to the last bits of happiness was a way of life
And hunting down hope in blind alleys, a daily chore

“We have just about an hour; let’s take a walk in that park down the road”

Her reverie was at last interruped
And the legs gave away as she faltered
She never liked living on borrowed time

"...I'll make up to you soon, you know how much i tried avoiding today's plan, but she just wouldnt listen..."

The strains of guilt were distinct in his voice
And his face looked forlorn and weary
He was aging beyond his years and she noticed that

In that imperfect moment
She fought back her tears and smiled her best smile
Putting away all their distant dreams for now,she whispered in his ears

“An hour is a long time, let's hurry ,i dont want my birthday to end without spending time with you”

Tomorrow would be another day.

That didn’t matter.

Only now did.

Two faced

2008-04-04T12:44:00.006+05:30

I let Black rule my thoughts
And Desire runs amok in my actions

I let Greed in through a tiny crevice
And wage a war with my Self Restraint

My Lies are unrestrained
Barter for my eloquent Truths

I have swam oceans of Unrest
And drowned in the eerie Calm

Captivity is my penance
For an immodest affair with Freedom

I conceal my gaping Wounds
With the balm of Careless abandon

The abandoned nest you see there is mine
I just borrowed your wings to fly

2008-03-05T19:03:00.004+05:30

In one world
The moon shone bright in the cloudless night sky
Draping the surroundings in exquisite white
As if it owned the earth and all that was in it
With fearless and passionate belonging

In another world
The candle burned its last breaths
And flickered into oblivion
As if relinquishing the very light it stood for
Leaving only molten traces of what was

2008-03-03T18:39:00.000+05:30

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

- Rumi

2008-02-27T19:50:00.005+05:30

The sound of music
Permeated through the air
Weaving a magic as it wafted through

Human figures floated by
In the reckless gaiety
That the transcending moment allowed them

Looking up , she wondered
Where did the music come from ?
The almost melodious cacophony of sounds

It takes a while to realize
That the music comes from amongst them
The strings and the waves people form
In togetherness and in solitude

That's how the unchained melody is born
The coming together of them all
Impervious to the music they create
As if in some predecided harmony

Only if you listen carefully , would you notice
How each string is pulled with precision
Just at the right time

How distinct each note is
Carefully separated and yet collective

And how lasting the effect of each chain
No matter how insignificantly small

In the masterpiece that we create for ourselves
Each day, one note at a time...

2008-02-26T17:51:00.001+05:30

...And it's a wonder
to know how the pieces fit together
as if they were meant to be
From the very beginning

...The spectacular sight
Of the seamless merging of it all
Into a giant ball of Hope
Exploding at the seams

...To experience the gushing light
That manages to find its way in
As if the heavens descended upon Earth
To rescue us from darkness

...The magnanimity of our life and times
And its contrasting insignificance
When viewed from the titled angle
Of God's microscopic plan

...Is it a blessing to be a part of this?
Or just a curse we all endure?

Mental Flight

2008-02-15T20:38:00.001+05:30

The satisfaction of a job well done...
...Is like a balm for the wounded soul
Whether it abates the restlessness or causes it , i do not know
All i am aware of is ...It gives me the thrills
The desire to do more
...And i take off...on my mental flight!

For now, that's all that matters.

Hide...I will seek

2008-02-13T21:19:00.002+05:30

Its there...deep inside of you...behind the facade of nonchalance that you put up..and very effectively at that..its right there...hidden secretively in the impermeable layer of fear, uncertainity. It's been there since a long long time...since the earliest times that your memory allows you to recall...

You grew up..And became modest and ignorant about things...and the world taught you lessons....Lessons of fear, lessons of failure, lessons of practicality...,you imbibed all of them with devout faith...and It hid further deeper...

You dreamt about it ...in flashes..flashes of brilliance...so brilliant and illuminating that they almost blinded you...But they were all in dream...and you let them be..only to wake up to the world you knew..The world that mocked that your dream..You chided yourself...and there it went...Hidden a step deeper...

...Its hidden still..in crevices so deep that now i am having trouble extricating it from the relegated position that i subject it to for so long...

The stage is set...

...i just wish that i rise in time to play my part now